How for would it takes to find something that suits you the most? What will you do when one day you are not certain about which way to take? Is it wise to try anything presented in front of you in a flick of a switch? This is the cliche between idealism and reality. One day i just wake up feeling lost and all alone. Me, a loner? Yes i am. I’m not proud about it but i love having alone times, just sit, contemplating and wandering on my thoughts imagining what life would be like out there, in the great cosmos. My universe is small, i kept it that way. I kept it organize, as long and as best as i can. I love to set my room into a minimal amount of clutter. The quiet spacious room, soft music and meditating.
I finally met someone at high school, i told her my feelings at graduation day and she rejects me, because it was a bit humiliating doing that in front of my classmates and teachers. The grieving goes on for two years when i met and adventurous soul, wandering, laughing and hopping around. We get along very well but she never had the guts to made up her mind. Then came along my high school reunion, my junior at high school, so adorable but she played the ‘survival of the fittest’ game, and i’m done. Some college fling but i’m over being friendzoned and that was it for me. I was nothing more than that ‘nice-guy-finish-last’ stereotype. Just not douchebag enough to be engaging or even challenging. I was like an open book. but then, what’s wrong being an open book? i highly regard honesty even if friends called me foolish for being like that.
Then came her. Well it was that kind of moment like you had it and it just clicked. The conversation was going well as we strolled through the chat for three straight months until i had the guts to ask her out. It’s a sink and swim situation, but the daredevil was strong within me, i just don’t care what she thought of me, as long as i felt right to told her how i felt. it paid off, finally on the second date we was official, changing the relationship status on facebook, well it’s kinda cheesy but i allowed it, besides it’s my first.
Then we had our first fight. It was ugly for me because i made her cry, but the second fight it was also ugly for me because i cried out of hating the feeling to fight with her when i should fought for her. It was our last year in college, and it was crazy. We done outrageous things and made memories. She graduated first and had a job in the city, while i graduated later and decide to help out in my hometown. It was super, our parents had met, nothing’s against us at the moment, well it was finally ‘it’ for me. Hey, what else could i asked back then, sure everyone ‘is’ perfect but flaws makes her real and i love to keep it real, not a romantic guy i am.
Years passed and i sense a stalemate developing in my last months with her. I’m trying my best to stay connected while i’m trying to make ends meet for our future plans. My job wasn’t a walk in a park. Surely working in an office will make you stressful but working in a family business it will make several days in your months a living hell. You have to maintain A to D when checking up E to H and doing I to Y while not forgetting Z. It was not always alphabetical in order but it was hellish ordeal. Sadly i love challenges so i went head on. There’s something funny back then, she had this tantrums that i can’t figure why, the late phone calls were as good as never, if she doesn’t call first that is, it’s like her job and mine has get the best of her.
After her sisters wedding, comes the sledge hammer. She said it was not going too work out for her, it’s too depressing. I just stood there, hanging my thoughts on the phone, listening to the silent and her crying. I made efforts, truly i did, but she stands on her ground. I finally comply after meeting her in person not knowing what the matter was, but i am so certain back then that it was my fault. “don’t make a harsh decision. You can’t do anything once you realize what you had was gone forever” twas the last words i said to her in the car before i said farewell to her mother. It was a hard time. I try over and over to reason and reconcile by phone, by email, by anything to learn the harsh truth. When something was replaced by another you won’t keep both at the same place, because maintaining both things that has the same function and purpose would be just a waste of energy. Bridges are burned, lines are drew, there’s nothing i can do than to say goodbye. the toughest months began. swallowing the bitter pills of truth. Meditating, submerging myself in physical activities, hanging out, and moving out was the menu. I just lost it back then, along with my confidence.
It took hell of efforts to get back into the game. i wasn’t really sure about what i was doing, but i did it. I moved on. The ambiguity also moved with me. That daring person. At a quite young age, she had an old soul. With ravaging spirit she moves and charge anywhere she can, but we looked at different directions back then, but i like her guts. She’s bold, cunning and yet funny in a unique way. We were told we won’t make it but something pulls us closer, i’m not certain what was it but somehow she convinced me to have a go. So we did it. Slowly i regain my confidence. Slowly i felt my pride was kicking in. I was and still am grateful. I remember we just sat there in the car, just smiling at each other in that hot day, after training. She said that “this is ridiculous, we are ridiculous!” Well they say something happens for a reason, and it’s time for us to find out.” That little smile she made and her eyes somehow mesmerized me, there’s something about her that yet i haven’t found out, but that’s the thing the inner peace i’d missed for quite some time.
What i realize is that we never know what lies ahead because tomorrow is a mystery. I won’t get anything by moping on and on about my past even though i treasured it, but it’s gone, just figments of my memories. I just live on a day by day basis now, deconstructing myself and reconstructing the newer and better version of myself. I quit my job and taking on with the odds that life has offered me. My businesses are going well, i suppose. I’m doing my passion in writing and in silat. What i do now is doing not dreaming. My guru told me this, ” dream is for someone who sleeps, the reality is for someone who wakes up and try to achieve better goals in everyday.” i won’t forget this, “fortune only favors the bold.” Whatever you are facing, just hang on and climb that cliff, because once you climb you only look at the blue sky realizing how high you climb, not thinking how far you’ll fall.
the center of indonesia, before ‘the fall’
benak saya 